Brown Chicken, Brown Cow
by chelsie fan
Summary: Brown Chicken, Brown Cow, and other barnyard animals observe the courtship rituals and mating habits of the residents of Downton Abbey. A collaborative effort between Chelsie Dagger and me, this is about as wacky and cracky as it gets!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This crack-fic is a collaborative effort between Chelsie Dagger and me. What do you get when two cracked minds work together on a piece? The crackiest crack-fic you'll ever want to see!**

**We wrote this, back and forth, as a series of PM's, over the course of about 20 hours. She took the part of Brown Chicken (and some others), and I took the part of Brown Cow (and one or two other characters). Chelsie Dagger's contributions are in bold print, and mine are in italics. I hope it's not too hard to follow, but we couldn't come up with anything better in terms of formatting. I'm posting it here, and she's posting it in her "Stuff and Nonsense." If you're kind enough to leave me a review, please pop over there and leave her one, too.**

**This fic is dedicated to all our friends out there who could really use a good laugh right now; we hope we can provide a few. I won't mention any specific names, in an effort to respect and preserve your privacy, but you know who you are. You have received or will receive shortly a PM to inform you that this one's for you.**

**Oh. Disclaimer. This fic contains adult material. Your sensibilities may be offended. If they are not, then we've not done our job!**

**Enjoy!**

**Brown Chicken, Brown Cow**

**BROWN CHICKEN: Goooood evening chicks, heifers, sows, boars, cocks and bulls, it's time for another exciting edition of Yorkshire's favorite barnyard based, hidden observation show, 'Brown Chicken, Brown Cow;' where we spy on the humans to better understand their inferior ways of life. I am Brown Chicken and with me, as always, is Brown Cow.**

_BROWN COW: Thaaaaaaat's right, Brown Chicken! Yes, indeed, barnyard friends, on this week's edition of BBC'S 'BC, BC', we are observing the interaction of two species in their native habitat. Here in the servants__'__ courtyard, we see before us a fine specimen of butlerius proprietus and a graceful embodiment of administratus domesticus. As always, the subjects of our observation are unaware of our presence. Brown Chicken, can you tell us what we can expect to see?_

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****I believe we are in for a treat this evening, folks, for this is the alpha butler we've been observing for some time. In chicken speak, he's the cock of the walk around here. Though we had believed that his species does not mate, I believe we've seen him with this particular domesticus before, but I'll defer to you, Cow. I have to admit, all you mammals look the same to me.**

_BROWN COW: You are correct, Chicken! Though some have likened her to a "mother hen," there's nothing "fowl" about this domesticus. Her udders may not be as numerous or impressive as mine, but she most definitely has all the parts of a female mammal, and what lovely parts they are!_

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****No one could approach your mammary prowess, my friend, so I will cert****ai****nly not contradict your assessment. It would seem that the alpha butler agrees with you, as his eyes do often seem drawn to her bosom. I would say that the distinguishing feature for me is the neatly arranged nest upon her head. I am very picky, as you know, but I would totally lay my eggs in that nest.**

**As for the Alpha Butler, for me, his distinguishing characteristic is his beak. I am a fool for a good beak. What are your impressions of our male human from the bovine perspective?**

_BROWN COW: Well, BC, I'm more impressed by fur than proboscises, and his neatly groomed, silver-streaked cranial fur is quite striking. As a Belted Galloway, I'm also quite drawn to the colors of his apparel. You can never go wrong with black and white!_

_Oh, but wait! We have some action going on here, fans! It would appear that we're seeing the early stages of the courting ritual. Alpha Butler is violently waving some sort of ledger or account book. He's becoming agitated, you see, strutting about, and the tails on his coat are flaring out. And now our_ _feisty domesticus is responding by clenching her fists and shaking her finger at him. She's ruffling her skirts in a show of defiance. She won't be won over that easily!_

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****His courtship display is certainly intricate and he is in fine form tonight! We have witnessed this behaviour between them before, but he has always been rebuffed. Will he fare any better this evening?**

**Though she is the smaller of the two, the domesticus, I'm going to call her 'Mother Hen' from here on out, seems to have the upper hand in this exchange as in previous encounters. He is obviously trying to gain her attention and approval, but she is actually leaving the courtyard and heading off towards some out buildings!**

**Let's pause for a word from our sponsors as we relocate to follow them...**

**'Don't put all your eggs in one basket! Invest with Yorkshire Baaaaank today! Whether you are looking for a way to grow your milk money or you simply need a barn improvement loan, we can help. Get your three bags full, and then some. Yorkshire Baaaaank!'**

_BROWN COW: Thank you, Jarvis the Sheep!_

_And now, we are back, and our subjects have relocated to the stables. Mother Hen is now completely ignoring Alpha Butler as she parades herself in front of some other males of a different species, equus groomus. These poor Fellowes don't have the plumage that our Butler can boast, and I fear they're in for heartbreak. They're surely enjoying the display, but while Hen appears to be flirting with them, it's clearly only with the intent to make her Butler jealous. Oh, look at this! Butler is chasing away all the young groomi so he can be alone with his Hen! Chicken, shall we go to our man in the stables, Brown Horse?_

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****That is an excellent idea...oh, I am told we have lost contact with Brown Horse...no, here we are. BroHo, what's the skinny from the inside?**

**BROWN HORSE: Well, Chicken, I can tell you the atmosphere in the barn has been electric all day. We thought this was due to the approaching spring storm, but perhaps our horsey senses were picking up on an impending storm of another sort. I have never seen such animation from either butlerius or domesticus in the past. Usually, they are such docile and domesticated creatures, they don't cause much excitement.**

**Butlerius seems to have cornered domesticus in the far end of the stable. I understand we have a paws on the ground in that stall. Let's go to Brown Rat for a better perspective. Are you there, Rat?**

_BROWN RAT: Yes, I'm here, and let me tell you, what a vantage point I have! I can practically reach out and touch them, but they don't even notice me, because they don't give a rat's arse about this rat's arse. They only have eyes for each other._

_Butler now has Hen backed against the wall. He's approaching her cautiously. Slowly, ever so gently, so as not to spook her, he's reaching his hand to take hers. And she's letting him touch her! Spurred on by new confidence, he's stepping closer, taking her other hand ... Oh, drat! He's obscuring my view. I can see only his back now. Chicken, can you take up a position __in __the rafters and give us a bird's eye view?_

**BROWN CHICKEN: I hardly know how to describe what I'm seeing from up here. At first he was only pecking her mouth gently, but that seemed to anger her and she attacked him. She has grabbed his sleek fur.**

**Possibly in defense, Butler is ruffling Hen's plumage almost violently but she does not seem to mind. In fact, he's lifted her plumage up to her waist.**

**Hen has now released the nest from her head. What a pity to see such fine work destroyed, but I do hope some of that soft hair is left behind. It will add a nice bit of auburn colour to my own nest.**

**Butler is groaning, but I cannot tell that he is injured in any way. He seems to be trying to reach her udders. I can clearly discern some words now. All I can make out is 'Please' and 'Yes'. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were trying to mate, but they are still facing each other.**

**Ah, I can see that our embedded correspondent and human coitus expert has arrived on scene. Yellow Dog, you've lived for years under the same roof as humans. They've accepted you into their culture enough to give you the tribal name 'Isis'. What insight can you offer on the position you see them in?**

_YELLOW DOG: Chicken, you flatter me. I am no expert, though I have seen many variations of human coitus during my years in their midst. It is, in fact, true that humans can mate while facing each other. The upstairs lot seem to prefer this arrangement, though they typically adopt a prone position in a bed, with one or the other on top._

_The downstairs creatures, however, are far more creative in their configurations. Sometimes, the female will bend over a surface, say a desk or table, or will brace herself on all four paws, and the male will take her from behind. We barnyard folk are very familiar with this approach. But apparently, our ambitious couple are attempting an aggressive __manoeuvre__ far better suited to their juniors. Hen will need to spread her legs and expose herself. Butler will have to lift __H__en, supporting her under her rump with his paws. Then he will press her against the wall in order to provide some resistance to his forward motion. In this way, the necessary conjoining can be achieved. Chicken, is this what you're seeing?_

**BROWN CHICKEN: Thank you for that clarification, Yellow Dog, I think you must be right. His paws are certainly firmly planted on her rump!**

**Goodness, was that lightning? I think the storm has arrived, which should offer our pair some privacy. The rain is starting, which is a little annoying. The noise of the rain makes it hard to hear anything anymore, but they both seem to be responding to the storm as though it is making them restless.**

**He is moving in. But wait, there seems to be a variation happening!**

**He's apparently gone down on his knees before her. I must say, it would make me very nervous to have a beak that close to my cloaca. Cow, if you can see this now, I would welcome your perspective. I mean, we chickens are not known for our tongues. I believe you've an ungulate cousin who can lick his own ear?**

_BROWN COW: Yes, BC, if you are referring to Spotted Giraffe, he is quite lingually endowed, and skilled as well. Butler, however, appears to be well-versed in the lingual arts, also. He could show cousin Geoffrey a thing or two, and as you see, his beak is not harming Hen. She seems rather to be enjoying his attentions and is starting to vibrate with pleasure. Our butler, quite pleased with himself, is puffing out his chest with pride._

**BROWN HORSE: Horse here, I will observe that Butler's expanded chest size has caused him to remove his outer furs. Hen is also apparently outgrowing her plumage, for she is molting out of them. I am very curious to see this, as we've all speculated what these two species looked like without their fur or feathers. From the little I've seen, they are as pink as newborn rats. No offense meant, Rat.**

_BROWN RAT: None taken, BroHo! Yes, their appearance can be quite shocking. Butler still has quite a bit of inner fur underneath his outer ones, so it's hard to tell the color of his flesh. But Hen is more milky white than pink under her feathers; wouldn't you say, Cow?_

_BROWN COW: Yes, indeed, Rat. Milky white. And speaking of milk, we now must pause for a word from some folks very near and dear to my heart, Downton Dairy!_

_(*Bovine Rhapsody plays in background.*)_

_"Is this the real milk?_  
_Is this just fantasy?_  
_Caught in a deluge,_  
_No escape from tsu-na-a-mi._

_Open your mouth,_  
_Clamp down to the south and drink_  
_I'm just a poor calf_  
_I don't know what to think_

_Because I'm easy squeeze, easy nip,_  
_Little lick, little sip._  
_Any way the milk flows,_  
_Doesn't really splatter to me._

_'Mama... I just milked a cow..._  
_Put my mouth against her teat,_  
_never tasted milk so sweet..._

_Mama... I've had milk before..._  
_But now I've gone and drunk the stuff of gods._

_Mama... Ooh, oo-oo-ooh..._  
_Didn't mean to __leave you dry.  
If I don't drink your milk again tomorrow, lactate on, lactate on...  
As if nothing really splatters..._

_(*Music fades.*)_

_Downton Dairy. Mooooo-ve over Thirsky calves, because our milk rains!_

_BROWN COW: And don't forget - our Dancing Darlings, the Downton Dairy Dolls, will be performing at the Ripon Dairy Barn on Saturday. Come on out and support our gals!_

_And now, back to our show!_

**BROWN HORSE: Nothing really splatters...  
Anyone can see...  
Nothing really splatters...  
Nothing really splatters...on meeeeeeeee.**

**Well I know where I will be on Saturday. Ah, to be a young colt again.**

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****Well said, Horse. I've never had milk, myself, but I have enough mammalian friends to understand the attraction. Our Butler seems to share the same attraction, as he has moved his oral attentions to her mammaries. I never thought I'd say this, but I am beginning to envy those of you who have lips, as they both seem to be enjoying themselves immensely.**

**Aaand, they've fallen. From what we've observed of the Hen's temper in the past, you'd expect her to be as mad as...well, as a wet hen, but she is actually laughing. I imagine that is because she has fallen into the dominant position, with him beneath her.**

**Rat, they must almost be on top of you right now. Can you listen in and tell us what you are hearing?**

_BROWN RAT: Rat, here! Yes, I can see and hear everything from here. Now that she's on top, Hen is using her own labia oris to lavish attentions on his torso. Now she's moving south, and after some petting and stroking, she seems to be taking his cock into her oral cavity! (No, I'm not referring to Mr. Chicken, BC; she's not eating your hubby!) Butler is squirming and writhing, groaning and whimpering, and I can't tell if he's in pain or ... Can we get our correspondent Yellow Dog back here? Isis, do humans really enjoy this sort of thing?_

**YELLOW DOG: That is an excellent question, Rat, and I wish there was an easy answer. Enjoyment varies with the individuals involved, but I can make a few general statements based on my observations. Their expressions of pleasure can sometimes be confused with exclamations of pain, but I will tell you that it is obvious to me that our two subjects today are enjoying themselves. Indeed she seems to be going after him like a dog at a bone, but this does raise an issue that is fundamental to those of us who specialize in the comparative study of upstairs genus versus downstairs.**

**The upstairs genus in this region are mainly from the family Aristocratae and seem more interested in procreation than in pleasure. Indeed, after a male offspring or two has been achieved, coital occurrences may drop to zero, even though Aristocratae usually mate for life.**

**Downstairs genus are predominately from the family Hoipolloi and their sexual activities are focused on the pleasure derived rather than on the hope of procreating their species. In fact, many Hoipolloi show an instinctive fear of offspring and the group will ostracize females whom they know to be pregnant, even after the offspring is born. It is theorized that many of their favorite activities, such as the two oral/genital displays we have witnessed thus far are enjoyed expressly because they cannot result in a hybridized offspring. Such variations are rare in the Aristocratae that I have observed.**

**Incidentally, this explains why the Aristocratae have a more successful breeding rate in captivity than the Hoipolloi. Though, free range Hoipolloi have a fecundity rate that would put a rabbit to shame.**

**I hope I've not bored you all to tears with this scientific explanation, but it is my primary area of study.**

**I will add that, though I've never witnessed this mating pair in coitus, I have noticed their close social interactions on a daily basis. They are almost inseparable inside the house. Right now, they are exhibiting a familiarity with each other that would indicate that previous couplings have occurred. But this sighting beyond the house is quite rare and it wags my tail to think of my next presentation to the college of Human Husbandry.**

**But back to the action. I can see that he is calling out to her, Rat, can you elaborate?**

_BROWN RAT: Thank you, Dog! That explains a lot. And yes, he is calling out to her. It seems he is requesting a coupling in the traditional manner. Apparently this pair, due to their advanced years, need not worry about the possibility of procreation and can enjoy themselves in varied and creative ways. I believe the copulation to which I referred is now taking place. They are rolling about in the hay, making strange noises, while rubbing their hands over each other and pecking at each other with their lips. Folks, we are getting quite a show today! Now back to you, Chicken!_

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****"Thank you, Rat. You are correct that we have enjoyed an unexpected treat today. From the aerial viewpoint, they look very like the huge spider I had for lunch the other day. Judging from their vigorous thrashing, they are still wrestling with the question of dominance. He seems reluctant to concede to her obvious intellectual dominance, but I venture to say that she is impressed by his physical dominance.**

**Cow, I don't think I'm speaking out of turn when I say you have some experience with big, dumb oxen. Remember, I've met your ex.**

_BROWN COW: "Which ex would that be? Oh, my ex the ox. Yes, big and dumb, all right, but, my, he was good in the hay! What a beast he was! The only way I could make him behave was to put that bull in a yoke! But I digress._

_I do think our Hen is impressed with Butler's strength and prowess. She seems to have given up the fight and is allowing him to have his way with her. She looks to be enjoying herself, I might add. She's shaking violently and crying out, and his movements are becoming erratic. I can hear lots of panting and gasping._

_Now their movements are slowing, and they appear to be disengaging. The two are just lying next to each other in the hay, arms and legs still entangled. I can see no further activity from here. Chicken, am I missing anything, or is the show over for today?_

**BROWN CHICKEN: ****I'd say it's all over but the crying, as my Da' used to say. I will admit I have a sudden urge for a cigarette, but I'm trying to break the habit. In fact, I've cut back to eating only two discarded butts a day.**

**That is probably all the action for tonight and the timing could not be better, as we are almost out of time. I'd like to thank our guest contributors; Yellow Dog, BroHo and Brown Rat. And thank you to our sponsors, Yorkshire Baaaaank and Downton Dairy.**

**Thank you to our lovely audience for listening, we are nothing without you. Stay tuned on BBC Radio 4 for 'Pimp My Sty', coming up next and join us the same time next week for another edition of the 'Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.' I have been Brown Chicken...**

_BROWN CHICKEN__: ... And I have been Brown Cow. See you next time on "Brown Chicken, Brown Cow!"_

_(*Theme music plays and fades.*)_

**Please review. And don't forget to pop over to "Stuff and Nonsense" and drop one there for Chelsie Dagger, too. You would make us both very happy. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Well, friends, the Cheerful Chelsies write again! Chelsie Dagger and I have cooperated on another installment of Brown Chicken, Brown Cow. It's even crackier than the last one. Unfortunately for all our Chelsie buddies out there, this one has no Chelsie. We decided to visit Mary, Blake, and Gillingham at the pig sty. While we had a lot of fun with this, we do miss our Chelsie.**

**Please leave us a review. Chelsie Dagger has been kind enough to allow me to post it here, but if you enjoy it, send her a nice PM.**

**Brown Chicken, Brown Cow Part Deux: A Cock and Bull Story**

COCK: Welcome to a special, investigative edition of Brown Chicken, Brown Cow where we delve into the near tragic events of last spring where dehydration threatened to decimate the then newest additions to our Downton community.

I am Black Cock and I am sitting in for Brown Chicken, who is off on Easter assignment, laying a particularly painful egg, which is somehow my fault. With me this week is the Yin to my Yang; the Yolk to my Albumen; Black Bull. Welcome, Bull!

BULL: Thank you, Cock! I'm happy to be here. Yes, I am Black Bull, covering for the missus, Brown Cow, who is also busy on Easter assignment, producing extra milk for all that creamy chocolate. We are here at the pig sty to interview our newest neighbors and find out exactly what happened here last spring. It's our speculation that, as usual, humans, were at fault for the near-devastation. I have here with me Black Boar, who was present during those tense hours. Boar, can you shed some light and give us your version of events?

BOAR: Pleased to do so, Bull. I suppose we have to go back a ways. A quick word about our breed. The Tamworth pigs have a proud history in England and in Europe as bacon pigs. Our breed has never been tainted by non-European stock. We are proud of our Irish blood as well as our English. Most of our ilk are red-haired, so I'm a bit of an anomaly, being black.

When our herd arrived last spring, we were not received very graciously. We were set up with a very flimsy watering trough and then left to our own devices. After such a long trip, there was bound to be some pushing and shoving and testing of our new environs. There are many accounts of what happened next, but the long and short of it is, the trough was over turned. I did not see the event myself. If I may, I'd like to introduce Red Sow-ly, who was a sty-witness.

SOW-LY: Yes, that is exactly what happened. We were given an inferior water trough, one far too top-heavy, and our piglets, excited to be in a new place, got rowdy and upturned the trough. The pig man left us for days before anyone came to check on us, and by the time someone arrived, it was nearly too late. Some of us were in a right state.

The two who showed up were quite a pair, I tell you, all dressed in their finery, and having no porcine knowledge whatsoever. They managed to get us some water, and there were no casualties, but I daresay they were more interested in wrestling with each other in the mud than saving our bacon.

BOAR: Yes, I can concur with Sow-ly's assessment of our saviors. When I saw the female, I'll admit that my first instinct was that she was about as useful as teats on a boar hog, but I was proven wrong. The male seemed to lead their initiative to water us, but she held her own, even throwing a shoe at one point.

Their celebratory mudslinging was a little much though. He threw mud at her, which was very ungentlemanly, and she wiped some mud on his face. I wanted to remind them both that the mud they were enjoying so much was more shit than dirt, but they did not seem to care.

COCK: That is all very interesting, you gigantic Boar, you, but I'm afraid that I have to break in here with a word from our sponsors...

_HENNY: This is Henny Penny, here, and with me is my good friend Wooly Bully. We're here to remind you to "Fork York Pork."_

_WOOLY: Right you are, Henny. As spokesmen for the Pork Council of the Greater York Area, we've been asked to point out that pork is far healthier and more versatile than beef ..._

_HENNY: And it's much tastier than chicken! So, come on. Be a good egg and have some ham!_

_WOOLY: Work your fork and eat York pork! Pork: the other white meat!_

BOAR: Now why do they have to play that ad during our show? Couldn't they save it for next hour, during "Helpful Hunting Hints with Henry"?

COCK: Nevermind, we'll edit that out in production.

BULL: This is a live remote, Cock.

COCK: Yes, well, what's done is done, don't be a stick in the mud, Boar. You were just bragging about being bacon pigs. Be proud. That's life around here; sometimes you eat and sometimes you get eaten. In an unrelated note to production, maybe we should drop the 'Pork and Beans' spot we have scheduled for later.

BULL: Good thinking, Cock.

BOAR: *Sigh* I suppose we pigs should be used to it. We don't really have any secondary products like eggs or milk. They feed us until we are fat enough to kill. The only reprieve is for the stock sows. But we refuse to wallow in our misery. Perhaps this cycle of life is what has made us such philosophical creatures. In fact, I've written some porketry on the subject.

'Pork, Chop; porkchop.  
Am I only bacon to you?  
Chop, Pork; porkchop.  
Something for your Barbeque?

Pork, Chop; porkchop.  
The so called OTHER meat.  
Chop, Pork; porkchop.  
People even eat our feet.

Pork, Chop...

BOAR: Yes, that's fascinating, Boar, but, thank God, there's a new development. It looks like we are being treated to a visit from some humans.

SOW-LY: Speak of the Devils! Would you look at that?! It's the same two as last time, Mr. Prick-in-the-Mud and Miss Hotter-Daughter-who-Brought-the-Water! I wonder if we'll be treated to the kind of mud-slinging display we witnessed when last they visited. I must say, they're at least more appropriately attired this time. It looks like they've been hunting or some such. Boar, what do you suppose they're up to?

BOAR: I'm not sure, Red, but they seem awfully friendly. She's smiling at him and taking his hand, leading him inside the stalls, here. I don't understand these humans at all. I thought it was the male who usually initiates these types of encounters, strutting and dancing around and showing off. But she is definitely coming onto him, Red. Why don't you ever flirt with me like that?

SOW-LY: Cheeky! I'll have your rump roast for dinner if you don't behave yourself.

COCK: Hotter-Daughter is certainly hot to trot, it would appear. She's pushed him onto the bench in the barn, but she is not joining him. She seems to be doing something at the water pump. Bull, can you see better? I'm rather shortsighted.

BULL: You're not short-sighted at all, my friend. Don't sell yourself short; it's only that your view is obscured. Speaking of "short," this particular human does seem to be lacking in height, compared with other males of his species. But more on that later. Back to the action.

Hotter-Daughter seems to be filling a bucket at the water pump, and as she's pumping, Mr. Prick seems to be enjoying the view. Now she's found a clean rag, which she appears to be dipping in the bucket. She's approaching him, and is reaching out with the wet rag. She's rubbing it over his face and neck. It's such a warm day; I think she must be trying to cool him. He must be very warm, because he's removing the clothing from his upper body and allowing her to swab his chest and back.

This is most unusual. What do you suppose it means, Cock?

COCK: Now that I've hopped up onto the fence, I can see much better, thank you, Bull. Hmmm. I've never witnessed this ritual before in humans. I know some mammals do wash each other in social settings, particularly dogs and cats, but they use their tongues. Ah, I see she has now moved on to using her tongue. Now, she is backing away from him and she is also removing her own clothing now, but when he reaches out for her, she slaps his hand.

She only has a white button up top on now, which she has drenched, after hump/pumping more water. This seems to have made the material transparent. I believe he has called her a minx. The strange dwarf man is removing his shoes and is moving towards her. Without his shoes, he is even shorter! Will this affect her attraction to him?

Sow-ly, how does this compare to their earlier interaction that you witnessed?

SOW-LY: Oh, this is far more intimate. Last time, the only clothing removed was his jacket, and they merely slung some mud at each other. There was very little physical contact. But now, our subjects are nearly naked, and Hotter-Daughter seems to be touching Mr. Prick a great deal. She seems only to be teasing him, though, for she won't let him touch her; every time he tries, she laughs and dances away. He looks to be quite agitated now, and he's removing his trousers and undergarments. I'm not sure if this move is meant impress her, but she seems rather unaffected.

BULL: I think maybe it's time to get some insight from our human relations expert, Yellow Dog. Yellow Dog has lived among the humans for years and is well-versed in their interactions. Isis, can you tell us what we're seeing here?

DOG: Well, I will say this: I am familiar with this particular behavior and this particular subject. She is merely "leading him on." I don't believe she has any intention of letting him have what he so obviously wants. This woman is cold and cruel. I may a bitch, but what this chick needs is nine inches of angry -

COCK: Cock-a-doodle-doo!

DOG: Yes, Big Guy. Thank you for that!

COCK: Well, if that's her requirements, it's no wonder she looks so disappointed. If that's the worm that's waiting for the early bird, I'll sleep in a few hours, thank you very much. This guy is a Cock-a-diddle-don't! Not that I can judge, considering I only have testes. I really wish Brown Horse were on this assignment, after all, he is hung like himself.

Bull, you're much better qualified than I to comment.

BULL: I may be better-qualified, but you speak the truth, Cock, and I must agree with you. I'm as underwhelmed as Hotter-Daughter by his shortcomings. But Boar, what have you to say on the matter?

BOAR: I don't know how he expects to pork her with THAT! His sausage is a little underdone. That's no wiener. What this man's got is canned spam!

SOW-LY: It's not always about size. Sometimes it's more about making a sow feel wanted and sensual than just a roll in the mud with a giant banger. To feel his hands on your teats as he pulls you closer...

BOAR: Wait! Hands? What exactly are you saying Sow-ly? You've been letting this human hump your ham hocks?

SOW-LY: Yes. I love the way he makes me squeal. You can't judge me. Cast me out, ostracize me, do you wurst. I don't care. We're in love. He was only trying to seduce her to save me.

COCK: I'm not sure what seduction you're watching, pig, but he's the naked one and she's just laughing.

BULL: Oh, good gravy! From the ridiculous to the sublime! To save you from what, Sow-ly?

SOW-LY: To save me from being ruined! If word got out about us, my name would be mud. She found out. She was going to go to the papers - that dreadful Carlisle fellow. But he tried to win her over - for my sake. He loves me! He loves me so much he's willing to pork another to preserve my honor!

BOAR: Is that what he told you? You gullible piglet. He's just playing with his food. He brought her here to taunt you, to rub your snout in his relationship with her.

DOG: I'm sorry, Sow-ly, but I think Boar is correct. This Prick has been following Hotter-Daughter around for almost as long as he's been porking you. I'm sure if he could get her to root out his truffles, he'd have no use for you.

SOW-LY: NO! You're all just jealous because I'm not content to just be someone's breakfast! I want to be his lunch and his dinner too.

COCK: Well, you will probably get your wish. He'll certainly need some consolation tonight. Let's take a quick break and then we will be back with what I promise is a very exciting development...

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And now, a very special guest appearance by none other than friend of the program, Brown Horse, himself! I see you're working your other job right now, BroHo.

HORSE: Yes, well, ever since me ol' Pap bought the farm, things have been rough. I've had to take work wherever I can find it. So here I am, saddled up, carrying this human's sorry arse wherever he wants to go.

BULL: Folks, BroHo has brought another human into the mix here. I believe this one goes by the name of Bony Killing-Ham. He's now dismounting and walking over to our couple. They're as yet unaware of his presence, but I'm willing to bet that when they do notice him, the manure is going to impact the rotary blades!

COCK: You are correct, Bull, they have not seen him yet. He seems to be taking the measure of the situation. Speaking of measure, Yellow Dog, I think we may be about to witness that rarely documented human interaction of a dick measuring contest. This Bony fellow is removing his coat and has thrown it over the top of the fence. He is reaching for his belt.

They've seen him now! He is laughing along with the Hotter-Daughter and approaching her very possessively. Yellow Dog, can you tell us more about the ritual we may be about to observe?

DOG: Yes, Cock. As with many other species, human males feel the need to assert their dominance in the herd. They put themselves on display for the females, so that the ladies can see how they measure up. It seems that we are witnessing just that. These two have been vying for the affections of this particular female for some time, ever since her mate died.

And so now the newcomer has divested himself of most of his clothing, revealing his assets, and Hotter-Daughter must choose between Lord Bony Dick and Mr. Prick-in-the-Mud, having seen them both in all their glory - or lack thereof. I will say, though, that the lady in question will not be easily impressed. I've slept in her bedroom, and her late mate kept her very well satisfied. I'm not sure how this is going to play out. We'll just have to observe. BroHo, did Lord Bony Dick give any indication of his purpose in coming today?

HORSE: Not really, Yellow Dog, but then I find humans so hard to read. Bony Dick does have lovely, almost equine teeth, but I find him as hard to fathom as any of them. However, when we first left the paddock a little while ago, he did address me directly, which is something I find equal parts beguiling and annoying.

BULL: And what did he say?

HORSE: He said, 'With any luck, you won't be the only thing I'm riding today, ol' boy.' For the record, I'm not really that old, but it's a term of endearment that humans seem to like to use.

DOG: Yes, so I've noticed, but I'm called ol' girl. May I say, I am not very fond of that.

Bull: Hotter-Daughter is now comparing directly the Bony Dick with the Prick-in-the-Mud. She's not only observing them, but she's beginning a manual inspection, as well. She's first going to Bony Dick, whom I must say is better endowed than the other fellow, but still pales by bovine or equine standards. Wouldn't you agree, Horse?

HORSE: Indeed. Well said, my friend. He could hardly stand up to the comparison. I will observe, however, than under Hotter-Daughter's attentions, he's standing up quite nicely, and his dimensions are increasing. Prick-in-the-Mud seems angry, jealous, and impatient, and he's advancing on the couple.

SOW-LY: No! Don't do it, my Darling! I thought you loved me. Pay them no mind! Let him have her. I'm all you'll ever need!

BOAR: For the love of mud, stop embarrassing yourself, Sow-ly. It's best to let the humans stay with their own kind. If you find yourself a nice, young boar hog, you might get pregnant. That will buy you at least another year of life. Isn't that worth it?

SOW-LY: I'm not that kind of gal any more, Boar. Now that I've known the delights he can bring me, I can never settle for a quiet, boar-ing life in the pen. I'm coming, my big, sexy beast.

BOAR: No, Sow-ly! Don't!

BULL: Well, folks, things just got interesting. Red Sow-ly has charged on the humans, and has sent them all sprawling in the mud. Now, it's just a tangle of limbs and one angry pig. Cock, it's hard for me to tell from here what's going on, what with all the mud. From your vantage point on the fence post, can you see how events are unfolding?

COCK: I can only think of two words describe what I am seeing right now; Shit and Storm. The Hotter-Daughter was knocked into the pump handle and grabbed it for balance. The pump has turned on and water is spilling out onto the barn floor. The floor is quickly turning to mud. That is bad news for the humans who are all slipping and grabbing hold of each other randomly. Sow-ly is much more at home in the mud than any of them and you said it correctly, Bull; that is one angry pig.

One of the male humans, I think it's Prick-in-the-Mud, is trying to subdue Sow-ly. Or is he trying to...? Yes, he may be trying to mount her from behind, but she is too angry to be the submissive, I think. Indeed, she's turned on him and is going after his testes sacks like a pig after acorns. He does not seem to be resisting her any longer. He's writhing and calling out, "I'm your pig man!"

The other two humans have fallen in a muddy heap beside each other, just under the water pump. Just as the water washes them clean, they roll over into more mud. I cannot tell what they are trying to accomplish, but it seems Hotter-Daughter is trying to measure his manhood by her own standards. He has torn of all of her clothes, so now she is only wearing her boots.

Yellow Dog, BroHo, can either of you offer another perspective?

DOG: Yellow Dog, here: I can't speak very much as to the exchange going on between Sow-ly and Pig-man, except to say that it would seem that they are makin' bacon. My area is of observation is human-human interactions, and I can predict that what's going on between Hotter-Daughter and Killing-Ham is going to end badly for the Bony one. He is desperately grasping at her, yet her naked, wet body keeps slipping from his grasp. She seems to have lost interest and is now summoning BroHo.

HORSE: Yes, My Lady! Whoa-ho! Gotta go!

DOG: Wearing only her boots and abandoning the rest of her clothing, Hotter-Daughter is mounting BroHo. She's riding away, nude, hair flowing behind her, leaving Bony writhing in the mud. But no! Now Bony is moving towards Sow-ly and Prick. He's pulling Prick off of Sow-ly and punching him in the nose. He's now tossed him aside into a mud puddle and is trying to endear himself to Sow-ly. Sow-ly seems to welcome his advances.

SOW-LY: Ooh, give it to me, Big Boy! Oh, my achin' bacon! You've got me shakin' and quakin'! You've shown me Hog Heaven! After this, I'll never be boar-ed again.

BOAR: I don't like this. I'm not comfortable with this at all. It goes against the nature of things. I'm madder than a pig in a poke. As a matter of fact, I have a few choice words for Prick-in-the-Mud:

Buddy, you're a short man, small man.  
Lovin' on the sly, porkin' in the sty, makin' Sow-ly cry.  
You got mud on your face; you can't keep pace.  
Give it all up 'cause Bony's the ace.  
He will, he will cock you, cock you.  
We will, we will mock you, mock you.

COCK: That Hotter-Daughter sure knows how to ride. She could lead any horse to water, but she wouldn't let him drink. I have to say, in all my years observing humans in their primitive social interactions, this one has me baffled. There simply are not words.

BULL: I concur, Cock.

COCK: While we are waiting for Lord Bony to finish Killing that Ham, I've got a question for you, Bull.

BULL: Shoot, Cock.

COCK: When you were a young calf and were hungry, what did you do to your mother's udders?

BULL: That's easy. I sucked, Cock. Oh, I get it. MooooHaaaaHaaa! Good one. But wait, it looks like Farmer Drew is coming to check on the herd.

BOAR: Now there is a pig man. We all like Farmer Drew very much. I have observed that he is so well respected among the humans that people just give him their offspring.

BULL: He does not look pleased with what he is seeing. I do not think this will end well for Sow-ly.

BOAR: I would not be surprised if she wins the next 'Lottery'.

BULL: I do think this party is about to break up, barnyard friends. It looks like Farmer Drew is carrying a hunting rifle. He looks very unhappy. He's fired a few shots into the air, and the two men are taking flight. Not stopping to gather their clothes, they're running buck naked into the woods.

BOAR: Now Farmer Drew is taking Sow-ly and isolating her in a stall all her own. I expected him to be angry, but remarkably, he's being very gentle and even sympathetic.

COCK: It would seem that Farmer Drew is not holding Sow-ly responsible for the actions of the two male humans. He's just given her some feed and more water. That is very kind of him, but I must think, perhaps it is a good thing he does not know what we know.

BOAR: She's going to have a hard time reintegrating into the herd, but we will support her as best we can. Tamworths look out for Tamworths. Like we say, if you're not Worth a Tam, you're not Worth a Damn.

BULL: I think this is a good place to leave our broadcast. This has been an exciting and eventful day. I hope it has taught us all that love can truly be blind.

COCK: And sometimes, I wish I were. Brown Chicken, Brown Cow will be back with you next week, but thank you for joining us this week for some Cock and Bull. In the meantime, be eggcellent to one another.


End file.
